IPO, DTD GP, Genting Players Champs [PART 1]

Ok so I'm going to finally get off my balls and write something. Where do I start? This is gonna be tl;dr so splitting it up

Please note: Some of the timings or monetary values mentioned in this post may be out by a few seconds / £/€ respectively

Dublin IPO

Day 1b

What a laugh this weekend was. I flew across from Manchester on the Saturday morning with Paul Murphy (Blackpool player, successful online STT grinder and general drinking machine). My missus gave us a lift to the airport for the early flight and we'd had two pints before 7.30am. Pretty standard. However the run-bad started early. We ordered our first pint at the airport bar which set us back about £4 each for the piss water that is Carling (the Grolsch was off) then decided to get a bacon butty. Then nice man then informed us that it's a fiver - and you get a pint with it. FFS!!!!

The flight was pretty straight forward and we landed in Dublin approx. 15 seconds after take-off. We get through security and find a cab to get us to the hotel as I think it's only a few minutes up the road. We ask the cab driver how much it'll be to get to the regency and he says there is a free bus you can get from the other side of the carpark. This turns out to be absolute bollocks, so we end up paying to get on a normal peasant wagon for about €12,000 each.

We get to the hotel and despite getting there early, a room is available for us. Great. Well we thought it was. Paul is convinced the woman said its room 1111 although our ticket says 111. We get to room 1111 and the door is open and the beds aren't made etc. Housekeeping are walking past so we grab them and they tell us just to leave our bags and they'll sort the room. OK no danger.

We head down to the bar and I send out a few texts to find our where the likes of Snake, Rubbish, Amatay, Cogs and Jak are. I'm guessing they are having a big circle wank somewhere, but they turn up just as Paul and I are tucking into a nice expensive pint of Guinness (no not the same pint). The wankers finally turn up and we talk some shit for a while - I need to add, Rubbish already seems pretty hammered at this point and it's not even midday. He played Day 1a and I think he had a bit of a session the night before. His plan for the day is to sit in the bar while the rest of us play and soak up the atmosphere amongst other things.

So the comp is underway and I can see that rozzer snake on the table a few across from me. I made the mistake of blinking and didn't see him again until I went to the bar. I think he busted in about 0.000345 seconds. Feeling a little sorry for him, I decided to stick all my chips in blind for the next 5 hands until I busted (this may or may not be true) as he looked like he was going to cry sitting there babysitting Rubbish. What a cracking mate I am.

I would now say 'slowly but surely' but I'd be lying....within 2.895 seconds of me busting and heading to the bar, everyone else busts and joins me. This is where things start to get a bit hazy so if I can't remember the specifics, I'm just going to make it up.

There was a rugby match on that Snake and Rubbish were watching with vague interest but I was so bored I wanted to glass myself in the dick so some bright spark made up a ridiculous flipping game that related to the Rugby. You picked a time on the clock and a team to have the ball at said time (blue team or orange team, I don't fucking know). This was obv rigged as Snake is a rubgy fan and I think it's homosexuality with an egg shaped love bead. He proceeds to win about €400,000 by winning every flip in a row.

Now after numerous pints (i'd mixed Guinness, Lager and Whiskey by now and it was only about 4pm) we headed off to the electronic HU machine and had a little tag-team game. I don't really know what happened here, but I think Amatay might have won one? Weird.

Next thing I remember was playing some cash with most of the lads and a few locals. I was about €150 in profit when Paul Murphy sat down and I ended up about €100 down. He did buy me an amazing culinary delight though. The Regency Cheese Burger. It was like someone had mashed up some dog shit, put a piece of yellow rubber on it and placed it between two granite pebbles. Not bad for €80,000 including some brown water they were passing off as coffee. The cash game proceeded but I ducked out as you need to get a flight to get to the nearest cash point and I was running low on currency. I think Cogs fingered Snake or vice versa although I don't know if this was at the cash table or back in the hotel room? I think someone cried though.

Ended up talking shit with Jak back in the bar and Paul and Amatay turned up. We decided to hit the city centre, but before that I noticed Jan Molby at the bar. I mentioned that he was one of my heroes then a strange bet came about. Simon and Paul decided to offer me about €40 each to walk up to him, do that thing where you dry your gums above your front teeth and stick your top lip there and announce myself as his biggest fan. Then just turn my back and walk away. I was nowhere near pissed enough for that shit so didn't bother.

Myself and Paul get back to room 1111 to get changed to hit town. For some reason my key doesn't work. Paul tries his and no joy. We head back down to reception to be told we are should be in room 111, however when explaining that our bags were in 1111 the guy on the desk gets really confused. After a good ten minutes of explaining the same story 6 different ways, he finally sorts our room keys.

After a bit of farting about with cabs we hit the Temple Bar area and proceed to get absolutely dry bummed for every drink we buy. By this time, Rubbish is really feeling the pace after two or three (or more - who knows?) days on the piss. He uses the last of his energy to pop open some buttons on his shirt and give us a garbled rendition of a Tom Jones classic before slumping in a chair apparently unconscious. We just leave him for a bit. It's my round and we all decide on Stella. 7 pints cost me €37,000.  Reassuringly expensive? Reassuringly bummed in the mouth.

This is where is gets a bit more hazy for me. I can't remember if I dreamt some of this or what but to put it in bullet points, the following things may have happened

  • Jak, Cogs, Paul and Amatay spend the night dancing with young boys
  • Snake, for some reason, decides to go fishing
  • Snake asks me if I want a double instead of a singe Jamesons (textbook error). I say yes and he gets sexually abused for approx. €16,000 per drink.
  • Paul simulates a sex act with a dildo belonging to a hen party
  • Paul joins a hen party and fits right in.
After this, myself and Snake head for a kebab and back to our respective hotels. I literally nosebag the Kebab and get some shut eye. I may have also eaten the paper it was wrapped in as I couldn't see it anywhere in the morning.

Part 2 coming soon which includes.....
  • More run-bad
  • Red lemonade
  • Another cheeseburger
  • An early night for your poker hero NoCash (yes, I'm a homo).